My sweet friend Rushton (Rushton's Recipes) wrote these thoughts in her blog as she was preparing to travel to China for her precious Mei Sims. I have not been given her gift of writing, but have been given her permission to use her thoughts for my own. So, from Rushton, to me and now to you. . .
As we prepare to leave for China, I’m realizing that I have done
little to prepare our friends and family about what to expect when we get home! So I thought I might take a moment to convey
my heart on this subject…
Obviously, bonding with your adopted child looks different than
it does with a biological child because she’s already almost 3 years old and
doesn’t know us at all. Ella Grace has
faced challenges that God has spared our other children from going through. As
part of the adoption process, we had tons of required reading on the issue of
attachment and bonding…. Some of which can leave you slightly freaked out if
I’m being honest!
Ella Grace has endured trauma in her life by being abandoned by
the mother whose heartbeat and voice she knew for 9 months. Since that day, she
has lived the 34 months of her life without consistency receiving care from a
variety of women. While I am sure they have loved on her, I know there are
times she has cried out in hunger and no one has answered or when she has
fussed over a dirty diaper and no one has changed her… you get the picture and
can see how it is vastly different picture than the early lives of my
biological children. When my other babies cried as newborns, I ran to meet
whatever need they had… so a pattern emerged… they cried and I would take care
of them…. over and over which resulted in their attachment to me as their mom. This
may sound strange… how can a baby really know? But there are studies about
actual connections that are made in your brain as a result of this cycle…
For Ella
Grace, this cycle was broken by her birth mother and was repeatedly broken when
her cries went unanswered or even when they were answered but by a new
stranger…
What
does this mean for us? In a sense, we are going to have to “retrain” Ella Grace’s
brain…. And convince her that we will meet her needs and we will never leave
her. We do not expect a happy and
excited child on August 27th when we meet her…. We expect a scared
little girl whose trust we have to earn…. and whose love we will fight for.
We’ve been waiting, praying, preparing (along with all of you) for the arrival
of our baby girl…. But she has not been waiting for us and she will need time
to adjust.
We
don’t know how long it will take for her to attach to us securely… but the
reason I’m explaining this to you is because it will affect the way we interact
with others for a period of time. We are asking for now that you please not
hold her or pick her up. I will have her
strapped to me most of the time when I am out in public or picking kids up from
school…. It is totally fine to talk to her when you see us out, just try and
refrain from touching and loving on her as hard as that may be. I promise we are not going to be psycho about
interacting with Ella Grace. We just need her to understand the difference
between family and strangers…. which is hard for a child who has no concept of
a mother or father.
One of
the greatest attachment tools is feeding. So for now, we will need to be the
ones who give her bottles, meals and snacks. If we are playing at your house
and she wants a snack. I ask that you give it to me so that I can give it to
her. In a sense, this is replicating what she missed out on as a newborn but it
may seem awkward to others because she is older now.
With
all that said, we welcome anyone and everyone who wants to, to come to the
airport to meet our sweet girl. We get home on Friday, September 7th at
4:47pm. If you want to meet her and to see
her in person, we would love for you to come then because we plan to come home
and crash for a while! Please plan on meeting us in the baggage claim area. Our parents and our boys will meet us upstairs and we will all come down as a family!
I know
that we have lost time with Ella Grace…. And some days it grieves my heart to know
how much we have missed out… but I’m so thankful that I have HOPE in a God who
restores. I love the picture in Joel 2:25 where God says “I will restore to you
the years the locusts have eaten.” I have confidence that what seemed lost,
will be restored in her life…. I know she will flourish into who she was
created to be…. And I’m thankful for the front row seat!
I feel like we are standing on the edge of a cliff about to jump
off into the unknown…. It’s exciting and terrifying at the same time…so thanks
to all of you for being in this with us! A few hours sleep and we are off to China! I can hardly believe
it! She has no idea what is coming….
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